Amusing Sayings


CRAZY is a relative term in my family.

Those that think that they know everything, annoy those of us that do.

Don't drink and drive, you might spill the beer.

Here officer, hold my beer, while I find my licence.

Grow your own dope........Plant a blonde.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Tomorrow I will stop procrastinating.

Many people die of thirst, but the Irish are born with it.

I have left orders to be awakened at anytime in case of a national emergancy, even if I am in a cabinet meeting................Ronald reagan

I wet to the doctor and asked "Do you have anything for wind?" So he gave me a kite.

"Sir if you were my husband I would poison your drink" said lady Astor to Winston Churchill.

"Madam if you were my wife I would Drink it" replied Churchill.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong

He who laughs last, didn't get it.

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Laxative, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."

"Constipated People Don't Give A crap."

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

Children in the back seat cause accidents… accidents in the back seat cause children!

When I was a kid my Fairy-Godmother asked me if I wanted a long penis or a long memory. I forget my response.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.........................Thomas Watson

640K ought to be enough for anybody. ...................................................Bill Gates 1981

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.

Never return to a doctor whoes office plants have died.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Behind every great man is a woman........Rolling her eyes.

I had amnesia once - or twice.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists.... they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, please raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever, so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?